Hold Me In Your Arms Forever
by amber-1134
Summary: ---Chapter 2 up as of July 10---It wasn't as easy as it looked. No one knew, except for her. He didn't know, because she didn't want to break his heart.
1. Default Chapter

x-x-  
  
The ceiling of her bedroom no longer fascinated Caitie as it had a few seconds ago. At first she had stared at the various glow-in-the-dark stars that scattered the wall above her, somewhat amused. Now she was just bored with it, just like everything else seemed these days. Boring and pointless. Nothing in her life was really worth anything right now, much less fun or interesting. Caitie sat up, seeing that she obviously wouldn't fall asleep anytime soon. Her room was mostly dark, aside from the moonlight spilling through her window and reflecting in rays across her bedspread. Caitie threw off the comforter that was causing sweat beads to pop up on the back of her neck and she stood up, grabbing her coat off of the chair and sliding her feet into her slippers. She climbed out of the window next to her bed and landed softly on the damp grass. Caitie breathed heavily and looked around in the night, her breath forming a cloud of steam in front of her. She wrapped her heavy brown coat tighter around her black Nine Inch Nails t-shirt and her green pajama pants with little turtles covering them.  
  
Caitie turned the corner at her driveway and slowly walked towards the entrance of her neighborhood, heading across the street to a deserted park. Her feet cracked the dry pinestraw as she entered the park, and crickets chirped in the woods around her. Caitie sat down in the first swing she came upon. After swinging back and forth a few times, she heard footsteps behind her. Caitie jumped up and turned sharply, trying to see who had been there.  
  
"Who's there?" Caitie asked, desperately looking around for a sign of any person.  
  
"A murderer, coming to steal all your money and strangle you!" Jamie said suddenly from behind her, grabbing her shoulders and playfully shaking them.  
  
Caitie screamed. "Oh my God Jamie! You scared the hell out of me!"  
  
She clutched her hand to her heart and turned to see a smile creeping upon Jamie's lips. She jokingly punched him on the shoulder, "That wasn't funny!" Despite her words, Caitie couldn't help a grin escaping her lips either.  
  
"Yes it was," Jamie smiled, his lopsided grin making Caitie's heart skip a beat. "If it wasn't funny, why are you laughing?"  
  
Caitie bit her lip but still smiled, trying extremely hard not to laugh. "I'm not laughing!"  
  
She pushed past him and sat back down on the swing, turning in his direction. "What are you doing here so late?"  
  
"I could ask you the same question," Jamie said slyly, sitting down next to her.  
  
"I couldn't sleep and I needed some fresh air," Caitie said simply, gazing off into the trees. "You?" Caitie knew exactly why she couldn't sleep- because of the next morning. But she wasn't going to let that get in the way of her and Jamie's conversation.  
  
"Same thing pretty much. My parents were fighting again, so it's not like it was exactly quiet," Jamie told her, his voice coated with anger.  
  
Caitie looked over at him, knowing his difficulites at home with his family were something brought up often, but Caitie never had anything helpful to say. She looked down at her feet. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Yeah, me too," Jamie said, hate clogging his throat, "I'm sorry they're my parents."  
  
Caitie sighed softly, "It's not your fault."  
  
"Damn right it's not."  
  
The silence seemed extremely loud as they sat there, neither speaking a word. Caitie didn't know how to respond, and Jamie was too mad to say anything. After had what seemed like an eternity of silence, Jamie finally spoke.  
  
"Sometimes I just want to break loose; be free. Leave home and become independent. I always feel like something is holding me, keeping me inside my hectic house with all the yelling and screaming and fighting."  
  
Caitie stood up and walked in front of him, standing a few inches away from his feet. "Everyone wants a break sometime. I mean... I wish that I could get more breaks."  
  
Jamie stood up and looked down into her eyes. "You're my break."  
  
Caitie's heart skipped a beat again. "I'm not that great." A small smile played on her lips.  
  
"You keep me happy. Nothing else nowadays does, except for the fact that school's out, but that won't last for long."  
  
Caitie bit her lip and looked down. She felt Jamie's hand on her chin, lifting it back up. "You make me happier than I've ever been," he said softly, his eyes dancing in hers. "Honestly."  
  
"I..." Caitie was at a loss for words as Jamie gently stroked her chin. He leaned in slowly, his lips brushing hers. Caitie felt the most amazing feeling from the gentle kiss. Her stomach flip-floped and her heart  
  
was thudding against her chest.  
  
Jamie pulled apart from her and smiled weakly. The feeling from the kiss still wouldn't leave Caitie and she bit her lip, staring hard at the ground. "I think I have to go," Caitie said quietly, looking back up at him. He looked confused and a little sad.  
  
Without another word, Caitie turned and walked back the way she had come, tears stinging the back of her eyes. She quickly blinked them away, walking across the deserted street. Caitie arrived back at her home a few minutes later, climbing back into her window. She shut it behind her and locked it. Caitie took off her shoes and jacket, crawling into bed. She curled up into a little ball underneath the covers and let tears slide down her cheeks.  
  
It wasn't going to ever be normal for her... She was never going to have a normal teenage life, or at least what was going to be left of her teenage life. Caitie couldn't fall in love... she couldn't break his heart, because she would have to eventually. Caitie tossed and turned, shoving the thought out of her head. The doctor had said to go on like everything was normal... like nothing was happening.  
  
-X-x-X-  
  
The next morning, Caitie woke up, the images of last night still flashing in her head. She tried to get rid of them by taking a shower and getting dressed, but it didn't work. She walked upstairs quietly, for her siblings were still asleep, and she met her mom in the kitchen. She had made bacon and bluberry muffins, and Caitie ate a little of each.  
  
"Nervous?" her mom asked, washing off plates and putting them in the dishwasher.  
  
"A little," Caitie lied. She was extrememly nervous. After nibbling off her muffin and having half a peice of bacon, Caitie slid the plate back. "I'm not that hungry."  
  
Her mom finsihed cleaning up and washed her hands under the running faucet. She walked over to Caitie, who was sitting at the kitchen table. Mrs. Roth sat down next to her, taking Caitie's hand in hers. "I'm sorry you have to go through this. I know it's hard for you, and it is for me to. We can get through it though, okay?"  
  
Caitie nodded, feeling like if she spoke she would throw up. Her mom put her plate in the sink and came back over to her, a tear managing its way out of her eye and down her cheek. "I would trade places with you for this, you know that, right?"  
  
Caitie nodded again. Without another word said, they walked out of the house together, into the garage. The drive over to the hospital was silent, and Caitie felt even more sick as each moment passed. When they arrived, her mom walked her up to the correct ward, and whispered, "I love you," before the doctors took her to a room in the back. Mrs. Roth sat down in a chair in the waiting room, rubbing her temples and sniffing every few seconds. She knew she would have to leave eventually, because Caitie would have to remain in the hospital for a few days. Mrs. Roth finally stood up and walked out, blowing her nose and crying steadily.  
  
It was too much.  
  
-x-X-x-  
  
A/N: sigh, Okay, I'm sorry it's so bad, but I was way to bored yesterday, and I still haven't gotten any burst of energy for my next chapter of Learning To Breathe, so this is as good as it gets. sigh Thanks to Mel for beta-ing for me, she's my hero. XD 


	2. Silence

**A/N: Hey all. Thanks for the reviews- They're much appreciated! I love you guys R/R!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own In a Heartbeat.  
  
Chapter 2**  
  
Jamie paced his room, phone in hand. What had he done wrong? Caitie didn't have a boyfriend, and as far as he knew, wasn't interested in anyone...but the way she had reacted from the kiss, even the mere expression on her face showed him it had signified absolutely nothing to her. Jamie thought he had sensed it though... all the playful shoves, the gentle nudges or hugs, it seemed so... flirtatious. Jamie quickly dialed the familiar numbers to Caitie's home. It rang two times, and her brother, Micheal, 20 years old and still deciding what to do with his life, picked up.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey, is Caitie home?" Jamie asked hurriedly, for what seemed like the thousandth time that day.  
  
"For the, what, fourth time? No, she's not," Michael said tiredly, "She's out. She won't be back for a few days."  
  
"Where is she?" Jamie asked desperately, hoping this would be the time he would give Jamie at least a tid bit of information.  
  
"Hey, Waite, for the last time, she asked me not to inform anyone, because she doesn't want people to know. She said to tell her who called and asked about her, and she would get back to them about it. Goodbye, Jamie."  
  
There was a click and Jamie no longer heard Michael's voice, but instead the dial tone. He clicked the 'off' button and sighed. He was getting absolutely nothing from Michael, so he figured he would just have to find out where she was by use of other sources.  
  
Five minutes later, Jamie found himself next door, knocking on Val's oak front door. A few seconds later, the door swung open and he came face to face with Brooke. "Oh, hey Jamie!" she greeted cheerfully, opening the door wider, "Val is upstairs in her room."  
  
Jamie nodded a thanks to her and bounded up the small flight of stairs and turned into the first door on the left. Val was reading a book, sprawled across her twin bed. Jamie knocked once on her already open door, and she tore her eyes away from the page and looked up. "Oh! Jamie! Hey!"  
  
"Hey," Jamie said, sitting down at the end of her bed. She marked the page of the book and faced him. "What's up?"  
  
"Um, I was wondering if you knew where Caitie was," Jamie said awkwardly, nervously twiddling with his fingers.  
  
Val's concerned blue eyes turned into a compassionate look, and she replied, "Oh, Jamie... you don't know?"  
  
"Know what?" Jamie's heart beat with excitement.  
  
"Oh, nothing," Val said, quickly looking down.  
  
"Val, please tell me. We've been friends for how long? And what about Caitie and I? Don't you think I should know since Caitie and I are best friends?"  
  
"If Caitie chooses to tell you, she will. Just give her time." Val patted Jamie's leg and stood up, heading for her desk. She moved around some papers and turned back to him.  
  
"If I could tell you, you know I would, right?" She asked, throwing him the sympathetic, 'I'm sorry I can't tell you!' look.  
  
"Yeah. Yeah, right." Jamie stood up. "Well, er, thanks. I should leave now."  
  
Val bit her lip as he left her room. She wanted to tell him so bad, to be able to have someone to mourn with, but if Caitie's wishes were that Jamie stayed blind to it, so be it.  
  
-x-  
  
Caitie breathed raspy and heavily, closing her eyes. Everything was spinning... so dizzy... The nurse came in and felt her forehead. "You'll be fine, Caitie, just sleep for now. The medications are done for now."  
  
Caitie wanted to sleep... yet at the same time didn't want to do anything except float off in another world, leaving the sanitizer scented, squeaky clean hospital behind. She couldn't help it, however, and was soon asleep only seconds later.  
  
_Caitie sat up, looking around. No nurses or doctors were around... nothing was around, except for the white bed she was sitting on. The walls were white... the floor was white... her own hospital gown had turned colorless. The machines and IV bags were gone, there was nothing but unending white floor. Caitie also found she was no longer hooked to anything, no needles were slid into her veins. She was free...finally.  
  
Caitie stood up and walked across the floor, her bare feet sliently taking every step. She continued walking for what seemed like hours, but in reality was only a few seconds, and she reached a door. The door was white also, the doorknob plain and blending in with the door, the walls... everything. She felt the handle. It begged her to open it... it wanted her to pull it open... to go to the other side.  
  
'No,' Caitie silently pleaded with her hand, 'Don't open the door.'  
  
Then another voice came echoing through the never-ending space. "You have to open the door, Caitie, or it's going to be opened eventually."  
  
"I can't!" Caitie exclaimed softly, talking to whoever was speaking. The doorknob was rattling... the door shaking.  
  
"Caitie, you must. You can't always hide from your fears."  
  
"NO!" Caitie screamed. She tried to pull away from the knob, but as she pulled her grip tightened. It was as if another force was controlling her hand... telling it to open the door, while Caitie's mind told it no.  
  
Then she heard footsteps.  
  
Caitie turned her head, her fingers still glued to the door. Jamie was off in the distance, walking slowly towards her. "No," she breathed, horror seeping through her, "He can't know... he can't find out. He can't see me like this! He can't see me in the hospital! NO!"  
  
Jamie seemed to get miles closer every second, and Caitie started screaming, "NOOO!"  
  
The door swung open, and the voice said, "Caitie... this is the reality... you can't hide from it."  
  
Caitie was blinded by the light pouring through the door, and she dropped the doorknob, finally, and collapsed to the floor. "NOOOOOO!"_  
  
"Caitie! Caitie! Wake up, are you alright!?"  
  
Caitie bolted up in bed, staring around. "No... the door...I don't want to go in there..."  
  
The room had, in fact, turned back to normal, IVs pumping fluid into her blood, and a nurse, checking the monitors. All the color was back, or at least what was colorful in a hospital. Her mom was shaking her, feeling her forehead. "Oh, sweetie, are you okay?"  
  
Sweat was drenching Caitie's forehead and her breath was louder than ever. "I don't want to go through the door... I don't want to find out..."  
  
"Caitie, honey? Maybe you should lay back down," her mother said comfortingly, laying Caitie's head gently back on the pillow.  
  
Caitie closed her eyes. The memory was so vivid... so real... And Jamie! Jamie was going to find out... he couldn't! He would treat her like a freak... he wouldn't be the same...  
  
"Caitie? It's okay, try to eat some of your dinner; the next round of chemotherapy is in a few hours. You have to eat something." She added the last part after Caitie made a face at the hospital tray being brought in.  
  
"I'm not hungry... for that, at least," Caitie said, turning away from the food.  
  
"What are you hungry for?" Her mom asked, looking at Caitie.  
  
Caitie pondered the thought and said, "A smoothie. Strawberry Banana."  
  
Her mom's eyes filled with tears and smiled, "Okay baby, I'll go get you a smoothie." Her mom kissed Caitie on the forehead and left the room, a tear sliding down her cheek.  
  
Caitie felt exhausted, even though she was informed by the nurse that she had been sleeping for two hours. She knew what another round of chemo meant- throwing up all night, and the tiring feeling of needing to sleep, but couldn't, because of all the vomit that wouldn't settle.  
  
She lay back on her pillow, only seconds later to hear the phone ring. Caitie sighed and picked it up. "Hello?"  
  
"Caitie! I'm so glad I caught you. I thought you might be asleep... or... sick," Val struggled to get the last word out.  
  
"No, I'm wide awake," Caitie said, the images of the dream popping up in her head.  
  
"Jamie came by today."  
  
Silence.  
  
"He was worried about you... he wanted to know where you've been. From what I could tell, he had already called your house a few times and come to me as a last resort. I really think you should tell him, Caitie. He'll understand."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Caitie, I think he deserves to know. He lov- He really cares about you," Val said, stopping herself from speaking the words she knew lay hidden in Jamie's face. He was crazy about Caitie. Val knew it by just looking at him while he studied her in the halls.  
  
"I know he cares... I just don't want him to treat me differently," Caitie finally spoke.  
  
"Why would he? Wouldn't it just make him care more?"  
  
"I don't know how he would react. I just know I'm not taking the chance that he finds out and thinks I'm a freak or something. I also could die, Val, cancer isn't something that just comes and leaves."  
  
"Caitie, you need Jamie there, in case... in case something does happen. Wouldn't you rather be with him than without him?"  
  
Caitie pondered the thought, Jamie flooding into her brain. She knew the truth. She knew she loved him, and it was only a matter of time before the simple kiss and her running away cought up with her conciense.  
  
"Yeah, I wanna be with him... But I don't want him to get hurt. He's not going to get hurt. I'm not going to let him watch me suffer... it's hard enough for me knowing I could possibly never see him again without actually letting him watch me die."  
  
"Caitie, you're not going to die." Even as Val said it, she couldn't help but think it was possible. "I really think you should tell him. You won't regret it."  
  
"No."  
  
Val heard the firmness in her voice, and dropped the subject. After a few more minutes of awkward small talk, Val said goodbye, and that she would visit soon, and Caitie hung up.  
  
She loved Jamie; there wasn't a doubt in her mind. And not the kind of friendship love, the kind of romantic, sweet, caring, love. Caitie wanted to tell him... she wanted him sitting by her bed, holding her hand and whispering 'It'll be okay' in her ear. She needed him... the only problem was, she refused to admit it.  
  
-x-  
  
**Review!!**


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